People

When my dad died a few months ago, it became obvious to me (as I suppose I knew all along) that people remember how you treat them. They don’t remember your stuff….your car, your money, or even your job. Of course those lines are blurred with him since his job was a pastor, but that was really more about who he was, not just what he did. People were touched by how he remembered their name after not seeing them for years. How he took a genuine interest in their lives. How he went out of his way to support people at running events. How he made people feel seen, important and loved.

People are what’s important. 

Also since my dad died, I find myself more and more wanting to avoid people. Stay home…and when I do go out, I want to avoid talking to people…isolate from the outside world. If not for my wife and my job, I would sit alone in my house all day. 

I’m trying to mesh those two ideas. The importance of people and relationships vs. my comfort level around them. I do try to treat people with kindness, but I also want them to leave me alone. I want people to feel important and loved, but from a safe distance. 

Also, as much as I’ve worried about my job defining me over the years, I will have failed if I am only remembered as a great computer programmer…bank teller…call center representative…retail associate…loan servicer….or even Stay-at-home Dad.

When we find music that we love

Lessons from Giraffes Can’t Dance….my favorite book to read to my kids when they were younger. 

“Gerald the giraffe has thin legs and crooked knees. At the Annual Jungle Dance he watches the other animals dancing but when he tries to dance they laugh at him. 

Gerald leaves the dance and meets a friendly cricket who advises him to listen to the sounds of nature and follow his own rhythm. The cricket starts playing his violin and Gerald starts to dance like he has never danced before. The other animals are amazed and ask Gerald how he learnt to dance like that.”

This week at work, I got recognition from my boss….basically for staying healthy for the month of December and showing up to work at a busy time for our department….but positive recognition nonetheless. 

This fairly minor event got me thinking a lot….as I do…about my job history. 

Five years ago, I was in a job that was not a good fit for me. I was not very good at it and didn’t enjoy it. I was surrounded by great people and given a lot of training, but the situation was just not good for me. I can remember having monthly one-on-one meetings with my manager talking about ways for me to improve; mentoring, job shadowing etc. But I never did improve or feel comfortable, and eventually left that job.

A couple more jobs followed…

Now five years later, I’m still the same person. I have not gotten smarter, or changed my work habits… but I’m in a job that felt comfortable from day 1. I quickly became a valued member of the team. There has never been a conversation about me needing to improve and I’ve  become a trainer/mentor to new employees.

“We all can dance when we find music that we love.”

I hope my kids find their own music and dance!

25 Years

 25 Years!

I was lucky enough to meet Becky the first week of our freshman year in college. She was in a few of my classes that first term and helped me pass Calculus.

She doubled majored in Math and Computer Science at Wartburg and was Computer Science senior of the year in 1994...and decorated her dorm room with so many toys and stuffed animals that people assumed she was an elementary education major.

She has a Master's Degree in Computer Science from Notre Dame...and a large collection of R2-D2 toys.

She has completed 4 Ironman distance triathlons, a dozen marathons, countless 5Ks, multiple 100 mile bike rides....and will spend entire weekends on the couch binging Netflix.

She is AWESOME.

They say making a marriage last 25 years is a lot of work. But I haven't had to work at it for one day of those 25 years. (she may have a different answer on that.)

She truly is my best friend and I'm glad she has let me tag along for the last 25 years.

Going back many years....I used to post things here about my kids...and my attempt to parent them. I'm no longer a stay-at-home-dad, in fact my kids don't even live here full time anymore as they are both going to college out of state.

But the urge hit me today to write something related to parenting....so here you go.....

I know 2020 has been hard for a lot of people....but the "2020 is the worst and endlessly awful" mentality is getting tired.

So I present my own  personal 2020 has been awesome list.  I encourage you to make your own.

I started a new job which I enjoy.  It's been a LONG time since I could say that.

My son graduated high school and got valuable real world work experience working in the IT field through a work-school CO-OP program.

My daughter finished her 1st year of college and over came the sudden switch to distance learning and made the Dean's list for Winter Term.

My wife and daughter completed a marathon together (my daughter's first and my wife's....I've lost count, but it's a lot). They also completed a triathlon just a few weeks ago.  They are awesome!

My son joined the men's choir at college, despite not being in choir during high school. He must have been listening all those years we told him he was an awesome singer after hearing him sing in church and in the car.   :)

My daughter was made a student manager at her on campus job. She is a born leader.

This list could be and should be much longer....but as is tradition with my posts, I try not to over think them and just let them happen.

Unexpected out of retirement post

You know what's scary about life. Things happen. Things you could never see coming. Things that are terrible, or hard, or life changing and completely unexpected.

A few weeks ago, we were on vacation in Michigan, having a fabulous time as a family.

Suddenly my son is lying face down in a parking lot. Did not see it happen, but apparently he fainted and fell face first into the asphalt. He's bleeding. His teeth hurt. His jaw hurts. Will he need stitches? Is there an ER or Urgent Care near by?

Things happen. Scary things that you could never see coming. Things that can change everything, literally in a matter of seconds.

My little example has a boring and happy ending. He's fine. There was Urgent Care near by and they took great care of him. He may have a scar on his chin, but no other teeth or jaw issues.

(And if you see him, don't ask him about it. His teenager embarrassment will kick in and I'll be in trouble for over sharing.)

When I retired from this blog because I'm not a stay-at-home-dad anymore, it was mostly because I did not have as much time to write as I once did. Very little editing goes into this whole project...just kind of write and go. I enjoy writing and I think it helps me think through things. Well today, I had another unexpected event that provided time to write. An unplanned day off work to deal with a minor (and embarrassing) health issue (rhymes with schmemroids....is that too much information?) gave me time to write.

I've though a lot about that day with my son. My mind can not comprehend the other possible outcomes that day.

My life is so easy and so perfect....and yet I complain daily about it.
Why is that?
Why is it so easy to list the few minor things that would make my life better, instead of the millions of major things that make my life so incredibly sweet already?


(just re-read this....maybe I need an editor. 😀  Kind of incoherent, and not sure what the point is...)

Signing Off

It's been a good run....

How do we keep failing so many kids?

These thoughts have been swirling around in my head for the last several days.  I have no answers, only questions.  I write them here just to see if expressing them brings any new perspective.

A few days ago, our community lost another teenager to suicide.  Another.  This would be horrifying enough as an isolated case...but it isn't.   Not even close.  Another?!?!?

How do we keep failing so many kids?

I hear two opposing views on kids and parenting:
Kids today face more pressure than ever before.  Social media, year round sports, grades, jobs, scholarships...all these are making our kids stressed out way too soon.  They don't have a chance to be kids.
Kids today are coddled by helicopter parents and never given a chance to fail.  They are soft and spoiled.

How can these both be true?  Every child is different and deserves their own middle ground on the scale between the world asking too much or too little from them.

How can we encourage without pressuring? Support without coddling?  Let them fail without them feeling abandoned?

I don't have the answers.
I have no idea if I'm doing it right with my own kids.
I pray that I am.
I pray that we all are.

People, Silence, Pizza and Apologies

I had to apologize to my daughter the other day.

I was dropping her off at Driver's Ed class (which is a whole other scary subject that I could spend time writing about...not that she's going to be a bad driver, but that I'm old enough to have a daughter that drives.) where was I....

I was dropping her off at Driver's Ed class and we were talking about how there are a handful of kids in the class she sort of knows, but none of her close friends are in the class.  She told me how they all sit silently on the floor in the hallway before class and nobody talks to each other.  I told her that was silly, that she should say "Hi" to somebody and get the conversation started.  She told me she would try to at least smile at somebody, but she wasn't sure she could break the silence.

At the time, I did not understand. Why didn't she want to talk to people.  She's a very friendly person. Gets along with everybody.  Has lots of friends.  Seemed weird to me that she wouldn't talk to them.

I think there were two or three days where I playfully (at least it was playful in my head, hopefully she did not take it as me commanding her to do something) encouraged her to talk to the others in the hallway.  But every day when I picked her up, the silence had gone unbroken.


On Wednesday nights, we have confirmation class at our church.  Our kids are in class, and my wife and I are volunteer parent table guides.  Before class, everybody gathers for pizza.

On one particular recent Wednesday night, I found myself standing with my plate of pizza in a corner of the room.  I wasn't sitting with people at a table...just standing there by myself.  Not wanting to talk to anyone.  I just wasn't in the mood to be social.  I just wanted to stand there, by myself, and not talk to anyone.  Even though I was in a room of people I knew, and I'm a friendly guy.  Just leave me alone with my pizza.

That night when we got home, I apologized to my daughter for pushing her earlier in the week.

And now I'm trying to figure out why I gave that advice in the first place.
I'm not one that strikes up conversations with people.
I am comfortable with silence.
Why couldn't I let her be the same way?
Why was it so important for me that she not sit with people and not talk to them?
I still haven't figured it out.

My kids are very awesome young people...
Sometimes I just need to get out of the way and let them be themselves.

Identity (again)

Long time readers (Hi, Becky!) know I've written a lot over the years about how I define myself.  And recently, how this blog really should have a new name, because I rarely "stay-at-home-dad" much anymore.  But with all the marketing we've done with that brand....the t-shirts, key chains and billboards....I guess we'll just leave it.  We certainly do still have our everyday adventures!

10 years ago,  when asked what I do, I would say meekly, "I stay home with my kids."  Followed quickly and more assertively with, "but I used to be a computer programmer.  That's what I went to school for and that's what I did for the past 12 years!"

But recently when asked the dreaded "what do you do?" question, my response was quite the opposite.   "I work at a bank."  I said quickly to get it out of the way.   "But I used to stay home with my kids!"   It came out proudly...Almost trying to cover up the fact that I had any other job too.  That I would ever think of leaving my kids home alone to head to work.

So, what do I do?
Ask me again in 10 years....

Fourteen

Fourteen is an interesting age. Getting more independent and mature every day, but still a growing and learning child.  Some days, like yesterday, are an amazing combination of everything.

On the one hand, my mature independent daughter will be traveling to New York City with the High School band next year.  (New York City!!!). We got an information packet in the mail yesterday.  To an overprotective (see Marlin from 'Finding Nemo') dad like me, this is a very scary thing.  And to make matters worse, she was not overly excited that my wife expressed interest in joining the trip as a chaperone.  A little too independent and mature.

On the other hand, my little girl curled up on the bed after school yesterday and spent hours watching episodes of 'Arthur' on Netflix. That was our daily routine when she came home from kindergarten many years ago....grab a snack and turn on PBS kids.

So here we are....stuck somewhere in the middle of growing up and staying young.  If we're lucky, she'll keep doing both.

Just yesterday was forever ago.

One of the things I have a hard time with is that things that happened "just the other day" for me, were in fact, a lifetime ago for my kids.  Nowhere is this more apparent than with my kids' friends.

"Hey, there's your friend Sally."  I say while shopping with my daughter at the grocery store.
"Who?" She'll ask not really interested.
"Over there....you went to her birthday party in kindergarten....remember?"
"Oh...she looks kind of familiar, I guess."

So I've spent eight years thinking my daughter and Sally are best friends, and they really don't know each other at all.  That afternoon at the birthday party is a vivid memory for me, but not even a vague recollection for her.

My son plays trombone in the 7th grade band.   There is one other boy trombone player in 7th grade.  That boy came to our house at least twice back when they were both in 1st grade.  And now, my son does not even know his name.  After their last concert, I quizzed him on it...and he failed.

I'm not sure if this makes me feel old, overly sentimental, or just confused.  How do I know what they will remember and what gets lost with the passing years?  And at what age do the years start passing at the same rate for kids and parents?

Identity

This may turn into one long ramble...but stay with me and we'll see where we end up...and I'm sorry if I get too churchy...

This has nothing to do with kids, or stay-at-home parenting, but I've written before about how I've had a hard time with how to define myself since I quit my "real" job.  And how I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

While I have a decent job now, bank teller is not my final destination.  A couple of weeks ago, a job opportunity came up that seemed like a great fit for me.  I applied, talked to some people, and let myself think it was going to happen.  But then came the "thanks but no thanks" email...which led to self doubt...and me on Saturday morning praying....and saying things like "I don't even know who I am."

I don't go to church every Sunday.  Mostly because I am lazy.  It is hard enough to get the family up and going during the week, sometimes we let that go on Sunday mornings.  For the most part, I am comfortable with my faith...even though I would have trouble expressing exactly what I believe. Last Sunday, we all got up and went.  On the surface it was so the kids could check one more sermon note off the confirmation requirement list....but now I think it was for me.

During the sermon, the pastor talked about identity....and he asked if we ever question who we are or let ourselves be defined by our jobs.  He was talking to me. ( I mean really...was he in my bathroom the day before listening to my whiny prayer?) He explained that our identity comes from our relationship with God....a relationship that is very one-sided....nothing we do can change that relationship.  It all comes from Him.

So here I am today...still working at a bank....still looking for somewhere else to be the next stop on my career journey....but not asking who I am.

Encounter with a Star Wars fan

Many months ago, a woman and her young son (probably about four) came into the bank.
He was immediately drawn to the cup on my counter that holds pens.  It is a Star Wars cup with pictures of characters from all the movies.  He told me he knew Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker...and he loved Darth Maul even though he was a bad guy...and Boba Fett was really cool and Obi-Wan Kenobi...

He loved that cup.

We chatted about the movies as I helped his mom with her banking.  I learned that he watched the movies daily and wore Jedi  t-shirts almost every day and had a Star Wars themed birthday party. I told him about all the toys I had and all the times I've seen the movies and about the giant posters in my basement.  He was very excited to talk with someone that seemed to love Star Wars as much as he did.

But then the banking was done, and the mom took him by the hand and led him out of the bank...still chattering away about characters and space ships and the power of the force.

And that was the end of that....or so I thought.

Last week I was working in the drive-thru lanes at the bank.  A women I did not recognize pulled up and sent in her deposit.  When she saw me, she got a huge smile and said, "I'm the mom of the Star Wars fan."  To be honest, I would not have remembered her if she had not told me...I had not thought much about that day since last summer.  She continued, "He will be so sad that he missed you.  Every time we drive by the bank, he points and gets excited and tells me 'That's where that man works...the one who likes Star Wars!'  He always asks when we're coming back."

I'm not sure why, but I can't stop thinking about this.  An encounter that I had forgotten about, was apparently very important to that little guy.  How many times has something similar happened....for good or for bad.  We have a seemingly small meaningless conversation with a stranger and move on. But they remember.

There could be much worse things to be remembered for than loving Star Wars.

Makes me wonder who else out there remembers me...and why.

Who Are The Winners At The Middle School Cross Country Meet?

Last fall I wrote about my daughter's middle school cross country experiences...
(see here to read that.)
And I wrote more about cross country two years ago...
(see here to read that.)

This year I'm loving middle school cross country even more.  I'm trying to sort out exactly why I enjoy it so much.

It is not because my daughter wins the races...or is even competitive, really.  She normally finishes near the back of the pack.  Today she came in 32nd place among what I would guess to be about 40 8th grade girl runners.

It isn't because her team is winning every meet.  I don't know the official totals from today's meet, but I would guess the River View Middle School team was 3rd out of 3 teams.

It isn't because I'm reliving my glory days through her....I never ran cross country or track when I was in school.  In fact, I hated to run and tried very hard to avoid it.

I think I like that it doesn't matter if she wins.  Or if her team wins.  There is no score board, and I would guess that 99% of the people leave the meet with no idea which team won.

It is totally cool that so many kids are there running the best they can.  Some are super fast, some not so fast.  In fact, I've been surprised by how many not so fast kids are running in these races.  It's really cool.

I know there is sort of a backlash in some circles against the "participation trophy" philosophy in some youth sports programs.  "What's the point of recognizing everybody and not just the winners?" they would argue.  "They're being rewarded just for showing up."  I would argue that every kid out there...every kid that makes it to the starting line is a winner.  Let's cheer as loud as we can for the kids that finish 1st, 5th, 15th or 50th (like my daughter).  Let's make them all feel like winners.

It is not at all unlike the handful of 5k races I've been in.  Certainly there are always super fast athletes that make the 3.1 miles seem like nothing more than a warm up.  Then there are the countless others, like me, for which the starting line is the victory and the finishing time is merely a minor detail in the story.

I hope my daughter keeps running.  And keeps cheering for other runners.  And keeps feeling like the winner that she is.

School Open House Night

Tonight is open house night at my kids' middle school.  One is in 8th grade and one in 7th.  In my day, that was known as Jr. High.  I'm sure I will find myself saying things like "When I was in Jr. High...."  or "In my 8th grade science class...." as if these thing are relevant to my kids.

Funny how time works.  In my head, Jr. High was just the other day.  I have many vivid memories that seem like they could provide meaningful insights for my kids.  On the other hand, when I was in Jr. High, if my parents had tried to tell me about when they were in 7th grade, they might as well have been describing that it was like coming over on the Mayflower.  Nothing they experienced in school could possibly have anything to do with me.

I remember where my locker was in the long line of skinny yellow lockers.  And my gym locker too.
I remember where I sat in 7th grade English class.  When I gave my speech on Nathan Hale (and how all the members of Duran Duran got more votes the Nathan Hale for the Clear Lake Jr. High Hall of Fame.)...and my instructional speech on how to make a phone call...and wrote my short story "Purple Duckula."
I remember where I sat at lunch everyday.  And where I stood during the Jr. High dances...and all the girls I was going to ask to dance...but instead stood along the wall all night.
I remember art projects...and how I was the only boy in my 8th grade art elective class.
I remember carving the number "2" into my Trapper Keeper...and what that number meant.
I remember getting the Chicken Pox...and giving the Chicken Pox.
I remember making a battery powered car in science class that I name "The Awesome Auto."
I remember.....

All of these thing just happened the other day, and I'm sure my kids could find them useful as they make their way through Middle School.

This is what I looked like then....haven't changed a bit.

The end of 6th grade, and the problem I didn't see coming.

For 180 days of school, it went like this:

Me:  How was school?

Boy:  mmm

Me:  Anything fun happen?

Boy:  uhhhhh

Me:  Learn anything new?

Boy:  errrrr

Me:  Did you even go to school?

Boy:  oeuklerimmeiere

So it was completely unexpected that last night at bedtime we had a meltdown.  Yesterday was the boy's last day of 6th grade....

"It was the best year ever!  We had so much fun!  I don't want it to be over!  My class was perfect!  There is no way 7th grade will be as much fun!  I want to stay in 6th grade!"

 

Wow.  I was taken totally by surprise by the tears.

Where are Mike Brady or Andy Griffith and their quick awesome fatherly advice when you need them?

My attempts to assure him that 7th grade would be just as good were only met with more tears.

If I had seen this coming, I might have been able to prepare a response....but as it was, I just sat next to him and let him cry.

This just never gets easier, does it?

1984 6th grader vs. 2014 6th grader

Flashback to 1984...an 11 year old 6th grader begs his parents for Nike shoes...because "everybody else has them!"  The parents give in for some reason and by the shoes (even though I'm pretty sure they couldn't afford them).  He was happy to have them, and wore them until they fell apart....but really, I'm not sure they really made much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.

(Imagine that...the shoes you wear don't make that much difference....a lesson that insecure boy can admit 30 years later.)

Flashforward to 2014....an 11 year old 6th grader won't even try on Under Armour shorts because "everybody else has them!"  And he's right.  Based on what I've seen at middle school activities over the last couple years, a very large percentage of kids has Under Armour clothing.  And I will admit that I have been tempted to buy him a t-shirt or sweatshirt so that he can be like the other kids.

(Imagine that....the lesson hasn't exactly sunk in 30 years later.)

There are some things I'm glad I have not passed on to my kids.   :)

Friendships: My Hope For My Kids

I've been thinking a lot about friends lately.  Not specific friends....but friends in general.

I worry about my kids having friends at school.
I'm jealous of my wife's circle of friends.
I miss some old friends.

I worry about my kids having friends.  
When I look back on my school days, there are two very different versions of me that I remember.
The Clear Lake version of me, while by no means part of the "popular" crowd, had a lot of friends.  Many of those people I kept in touch with over the years after high school...even before Facebook made keeping in touch so much easier.  Now on Facebook, I can keep in touch with lots and lots of friends from Clear Lake...first crushes, little league teammates, second crushes, kids from other grades that I didn't event think knew who I was, third crushes, people from my church, fourth crushes...tons and tons of people I grew up with.  I really enjoy keeping up with everybody.
The Waverly version of me kept in touch with nobody.  Even now on Facebook, I have exactly one friend from the school I attended my junior and senior years of high school.  I spent those two years trying to fade into the back ground.  My introverted way took over with a vengeance those two years, and I did my best to not attract attention to myself.  And I must have done a good job of that.
So when I think of my kids and the friendships they are forming now in school, I really hope they are finding good friends and forming lifelong relationships with good kids....but I guess I can understand from personal experience if they are not.  Sometimes it's easier to just fade into the background.

Spending the last 8 years primarily as a Stay-At-Home parent, it has been easy for me to do that again.  To make my life all about my kids...and to let myself fade into the background.  Perhaps that is why now I am a little jealous of my wife's circle of friends.  Not that I am jealous of the activities they are involved in, but nearly every weekend my wife could be involved in some sort of activity with her friends.  Today for example, she was part of a running relay team that ran from Oshkosh to Green Bay (that's about 55 miles).  This summer she will be part of her 4th Ragnar Relay team.  A couple weeks ago she drove with friends from Wisconsin to Virginia for a running event.  She has options all the time, with a really great group of people.  My group is pretty much my wife, my kids, and my parents.  Which is ok 99% of the time for me....but sometimes I get a little jealous that my wife has so many more people to choose from.

I miss some old friends.  I have a handful of close friends from high school and college...but none lives anywhere near me.  They are scattered from Minnesota to Texas and every state in between.  Sometime I wish they would all just drop what they're doing and come see me.

Friendship is a great thing, but it can also be a hard thing.  My life has provided a very mixed bag of results....I hope my kids are doing okay.

Decline of society....or at least boys pants.

Back in my day....when you had a school concert or church function, the rule was always "No Jeans!"  Meaning you had to dress up and wear nice pants.   Jeans were not nice pants.   And there were always those few kids that would complain that they only owned jeans.  And I would always wonder how a kid could not own nice dress pants.

Fast forward 30 years.....

My son brought a note home from his choir teacher today.  For their concert later this month they need to wear jeans.   My son does not own any jeans!  Or any "nice" dress pants for that matter.  He only wears athletic pants.  How have we (and by we I mean me) gotten to this point?

A Tale Of Two Songs

I have made several Facebook posts of words from a song we've recently sung in church that I find to be particularly meaningful.  Tonight was one of those nights when, for reasons I can't even name, a song seems to be speaking directly to me.  At tonight's Lenten service we sang "You Are Mine."  By the end, all I could do was listen....too choked up to sing.  And I can't really even explain why.  Music is powerful that way.

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine


Then afterwards, in the car we put on a song that has become one of my daughter's favorites -
"Madness" by Muse.  Whenever the two of us are in the car, we put it on and turn it up...way up....don't tell my wife....and we jam...especially on the guitar solo.  I'm pretty sure whenever I hear that song for the rest of my life, I'll picture her and me in the minivan dancing and singing at the top of our lungs, "I have finally realized, I need your loooooooooove."


One evening....two very different songs...both special.