Identity

This may turn into one long ramble...but stay with me and we'll see where we end up...and I'm sorry if I get too churchy...

This has nothing to do with kids, or stay-at-home parenting, but I've written before about how I've had a hard time with how to define myself since I quit my "real" job.  And how I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

While I have a decent job now, bank teller is not my final destination.  A couple of weeks ago, a job opportunity came up that seemed like a great fit for me.  I applied, talked to some people, and let myself think it was going to happen.  But then came the "thanks but no thanks" email...which led to self doubt...and me on Saturday morning praying....and saying things like "I don't even know who I am."

I don't go to church every Sunday.  Mostly because I am lazy.  It is hard enough to get the family up and going during the week, sometimes we let that go on Sunday mornings.  For the most part, I am comfortable with my faith...even though I would have trouble expressing exactly what I believe. Last Sunday, we all got up and went.  On the surface it was so the kids could check one more sermon note off the confirmation requirement list....but now I think it was for me.

During the sermon, the pastor talked about identity....and he asked if we ever question who we are or let ourselves be defined by our jobs.  He was talking to me. ( I mean really...was he in my bathroom the day before listening to my whiny prayer?) He explained that our identity comes from our relationship with God....a relationship that is very one-sided....nothing we do can change that relationship.  It all comes from Him.

So here I am today...still working at a bank....still looking for somewhere else to be the next stop on my career journey....but not asking who I am.

Encounter with a Star Wars fan

Many months ago, a woman and her young son (probably about four) came into the bank.
He was immediately drawn to the cup on my counter that holds pens.  It is a Star Wars cup with pictures of characters from all the movies.  He told me he knew Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker...and he loved Darth Maul even though he was a bad guy...and Boba Fett was really cool and Obi-Wan Kenobi...

He loved that cup.

We chatted about the movies as I helped his mom with her banking.  I learned that he watched the movies daily and wore Jedi  t-shirts almost every day and had a Star Wars themed birthday party. I told him about all the toys I had and all the times I've seen the movies and about the giant posters in my basement.  He was very excited to talk with someone that seemed to love Star Wars as much as he did.

But then the banking was done, and the mom took him by the hand and led him out of the bank...still chattering away about characters and space ships and the power of the force.

And that was the end of that....or so I thought.

Last week I was working in the drive-thru lanes at the bank.  A women I did not recognize pulled up and sent in her deposit.  When she saw me, she got a huge smile and said, "I'm the mom of the Star Wars fan."  To be honest, I would not have remembered her if she had not told me...I had not thought much about that day since last summer.  She continued, "He will be so sad that he missed you.  Every time we drive by the bank, he points and gets excited and tells me 'That's where that man works...the one who likes Star Wars!'  He always asks when we're coming back."

I'm not sure why, but I can't stop thinking about this.  An encounter that I had forgotten about, was apparently very important to that little guy.  How many times has something similar happened....for good or for bad.  We have a seemingly small meaningless conversation with a stranger and move on. But they remember.

There could be much worse things to be remembered for than loving Star Wars.

Makes me wonder who else out there remembers me...and why.

Who Are The Winners At The Middle School Cross Country Meet?

Last fall I wrote about my daughter's middle school cross country experiences...
(see here to read that.)
And I wrote more about cross country two years ago...
(see here to read that.)

This year I'm loving middle school cross country even more.  I'm trying to sort out exactly why I enjoy it so much.

It is not because my daughter wins the races...or is even competitive, really.  She normally finishes near the back of the pack.  Today she came in 32nd place among what I would guess to be about 40 8th grade girl runners.

It isn't because her team is winning every meet.  I don't know the official totals from today's meet, but I would guess the River View Middle School team was 3rd out of 3 teams.

It isn't because I'm reliving my glory days through her....I never ran cross country or track when I was in school.  In fact, I hated to run and tried very hard to avoid it.

I think I like that it doesn't matter if she wins.  Or if her team wins.  There is no score board, and I would guess that 99% of the people leave the meet with no idea which team won.

It is totally cool that so many kids are there running the best they can.  Some are super fast, some not so fast.  In fact, I've been surprised by how many not so fast kids are running in these races.  It's really cool.

I know there is sort of a backlash in some circles against the "participation trophy" philosophy in some youth sports programs.  "What's the point of recognizing everybody and not just the winners?" they would argue.  "They're being rewarded just for showing up."  I would argue that every kid out there...every kid that makes it to the starting line is a winner.  Let's cheer as loud as we can for the kids that finish 1st, 5th, 15th or 50th (like my daughter).  Let's make them all feel like winners.

It is not at all unlike the handful of 5k races I've been in.  Certainly there are always super fast athletes that make the 3.1 miles seem like nothing more than a warm up.  Then there are the countless others, like me, for which the starting line is the victory and the finishing time is merely a minor detail in the story.

I hope my daughter keeps running.  And keeps cheering for other runners.  And keeps feeling like the winner that she is.

School Open House Night

Tonight is open house night at my kids' middle school.  One is in 8th grade and one in 7th.  In my day, that was known as Jr. High.  I'm sure I will find myself saying things like "When I was in Jr. High...."  or "In my 8th grade science class...." as if these thing are relevant to my kids.

Funny how time works.  In my head, Jr. High was just the other day.  I have many vivid memories that seem like they could provide meaningful insights for my kids.  On the other hand, when I was in Jr. High, if my parents had tried to tell me about when they were in 7th grade, they might as well have been describing that it was like coming over on the Mayflower.  Nothing they experienced in school could possibly have anything to do with me.

I remember where my locker was in the long line of skinny yellow lockers.  And my gym locker too.
I remember where I sat in 7th grade English class.  When I gave my speech on Nathan Hale (and how all the members of Duran Duran got more votes the Nathan Hale for the Clear Lake Jr. High Hall of Fame.)...and my instructional speech on how to make a phone call...and wrote my short story "Purple Duckula."
I remember where I sat at lunch everyday.  And where I stood during the Jr. High dances...and all the girls I was going to ask to dance...but instead stood along the wall all night.
I remember art projects...and how I was the only boy in my 8th grade art elective class.
I remember carving the number "2" into my Trapper Keeper...and what that number meant.
I remember getting the Chicken Pox...and giving the Chicken Pox.
I remember making a battery powered car in science class that I name "The Awesome Auto."
I remember.....

All of these thing just happened the other day, and I'm sure my kids could find them useful as they make their way through Middle School.

This is what I looked like then....haven't changed a bit.

The end of 6th grade, and the problem I didn't see coming.

For 180 days of school, it went like this:

Me:  How was school?

Boy:  mmm

Me:  Anything fun happen?

Boy:  uhhhhh

Me:  Learn anything new?

Boy:  errrrr

Me:  Did you even go to school?

Boy:  oeuklerimmeiere

So it was completely unexpected that last night at bedtime we had a meltdown.  Yesterday was the boy's last day of 6th grade....

"It was the best year ever!  We had so much fun!  I don't want it to be over!  My class was perfect!  There is no way 7th grade will be as much fun!  I want to stay in 6th grade!"

 

Wow.  I was taken totally by surprise by the tears.

Where are Mike Brady or Andy Griffith and their quick awesome fatherly advice when you need them?

My attempts to assure him that 7th grade would be just as good were only met with more tears.

If I had seen this coming, I might have been able to prepare a response....but as it was, I just sat next to him and let him cry.

This just never gets easier, does it?

1984 6th grader vs. 2014 6th grader

Flashback to 1984...an 11 year old 6th grader begs his parents for Nike shoes...because "everybody else has them!"  The parents give in for some reason and by the shoes (even though I'm pretty sure they couldn't afford them).  He was happy to have them, and wore them until they fell apart....but really, I'm not sure they really made much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.

(Imagine that...the shoes you wear don't make that much difference....a lesson that insecure boy can admit 30 years later.)

Flashforward to 2014....an 11 year old 6th grader won't even try on Under Armour shorts because "everybody else has them!"  And he's right.  Based on what I've seen at middle school activities over the last couple years, a very large percentage of kids has Under Armour clothing.  And I will admit that I have been tempted to buy him a t-shirt or sweatshirt so that he can be like the other kids.

(Imagine that....the lesson hasn't exactly sunk in 30 years later.)

There are some things I'm glad I have not passed on to my kids.   :)

Friendships: My Hope For My Kids

I've been thinking a lot about friends lately.  Not specific friends....but friends in general.

I worry about my kids having friends at school.
I'm jealous of my wife's circle of friends.
I miss some old friends.

I worry about my kids having friends.  
When I look back on my school days, there are two very different versions of me that I remember.
The Clear Lake version of me, while by no means part of the "popular" crowd, had a lot of friends.  Many of those people I kept in touch with over the years after high school...even before Facebook made keeping in touch so much easier.  Now on Facebook, I can keep in touch with lots and lots of friends from Clear Lake...first crushes, little league teammates, second crushes, kids from other grades that I didn't event think knew who I was, third crushes, people from my church, fourth crushes...tons and tons of people I grew up with.  I really enjoy keeping up with everybody.
The Waverly version of me kept in touch with nobody.  Even now on Facebook, I have exactly one friend from the school I attended my junior and senior years of high school.  I spent those two years trying to fade into the back ground.  My introverted way took over with a vengeance those two years, and I did my best to not attract attention to myself.  And I must have done a good job of that.
So when I think of my kids and the friendships they are forming now in school, I really hope they are finding good friends and forming lifelong relationships with good kids....but I guess I can understand from personal experience if they are not.  Sometimes it's easier to just fade into the background.

Spending the last 8 years primarily as a Stay-At-Home parent, it has been easy for me to do that again.  To make my life all about my kids...and to let myself fade into the background.  Perhaps that is why now I am a little jealous of my wife's circle of friends.  Not that I am jealous of the activities they are involved in, but nearly every weekend my wife could be involved in some sort of activity with her friends.  Today for example, she was part of a running relay team that ran from Oshkosh to Green Bay (that's about 55 miles).  This summer she will be part of her 4th Ragnar Relay team.  A couple weeks ago she drove with friends from Wisconsin to Virginia for a running event.  She has options all the time, with a really great group of people.  My group is pretty much my wife, my kids, and my parents.  Which is ok 99% of the time for me....but sometimes I get a little jealous that my wife has so many more people to choose from.

I miss some old friends.  I have a handful of close friends from high school and college...but none lives anywhere near me.  They are scattered from Minnesota to Texas and every state in between.  Sometime I wish they would all just drop what they're doing and come see me.

Friendship is a great thing, but it can also be a hard thing.  My life has provided a very mixed bag of results....I hope my kids are doing okay.